What Would Life be Like if the Bard Had Sired My Son?

What Would Life be Like if the Bard Had Sired My Son?

Most people think of Johnny Depp, Shemar Moore, or Matthew McConaughey as just a few of the top men they’d do anything to have a baby with. I’d probably go with Johnny Depp because well, duh, Johnny Depp. In reality my baby daddy is just outright a pain in the ass. So if I had the choice to go back in time to find that one special someone to impregnate me, it’d have to be one of the literary greats because literature is my bag baby (see what I did there?).

So what would it have been like if my son had come from the seed of William Shakespeare’s loins?

Awesome. That’s what it would have been!

First of all, Will, as I fondly call him now that this idea has been planted, was such a mysterious man. Who doesn’t like mystery in their love life? His mysterious ways started out as early as his birth! There aren’t even any official records of him coming into this World, except for a baptismal certificate from a church naming one William Shakespeare having been baptized in Stratford-upon-Avon on April 26th, 1654.

Historical records say that his alleged birthplace was just off a country road and near the River Avon.

Hmm…a woodsy type man straight out of the gate. That’s hot. Although I doubt he wore flannel shirts and muddy boots like the Brawny guy, he did sport a sexy earring and long flowing hair which is about as bad boy as you could get back then.


You can practically smell the pheromones coming off of him!
Photo courtesy of onlinebookfilesone.com

So “Speare”, as his fellow friends probably referred to him, was a young man into older women. That’s a hard pill to swallow seeing as I have a fondness for older men, but we could’ve made it work. I mean, nowadays younger men have a hard time holding down a job and being responsible, but not Speare. He promptly married Anne Hathaway (no not the actress) and lo and behold she was pregnant. So there you have it. He did his manly duty and took her as his wife. One can only hope he did it out of duty,  you know, the right thing to do. I don’t fault him for that.

He was an entrepreneur and fantastic businessman. At least that’s what historians say. I’m going with it. I would’ve loved to stay home and have babies with this man who later would found and build the famous Globe Theatre.

Can you imagine the parties you could have there? Try renting a reception hall for your bar mitzvah or quinceanera these days. It’s a fortune! I bet we could’ve had the Globe for free if not for cheap. Who passes up a deal like that?

Let’s not forget his great literary career. I mean, it’s hard for me to even put out a blog piece on a consistent basis but by 1597, 15 of the 37 plays he’d written had been published! I’m not even published! What a great mentor he would have been and such an inspiration. Surely some of those genes would have been passed down to our son, right?

Even though his career looked like it might end with his darker tragedies such as Macbeth and King Lear, nope, he turned things around in his optimistic way and finished out his life with stories of forgiveness and reconciliation. Before death, even Will knew that life was too short to hold grudges. We could all learn a lesson from him in those regards.

And even though, 150 years after his death, other literary folks began to question his works as really his own, let’s face it; they were just jealous. William would have never been that way. Certainly a characteristic that would have been learned by our offspring. Just because none of us knew where he came from, when he was born or even died doesn’t mean those “higher class” men had to resort to pettiness.

Everyone has skeletons in their closets and those other literary greats were no exception. I’m sorry, but do we really know the true background of playwrights such as Christopher Marlowe, Edward de Vere or Francis BACON? NO. We don’t. Take your criticism and shove it up your arse you canker blossoms!

What would life have been like if the Bard had sired my son? We’ll never know.

Nothing is as deep and pondering as a man who you know practically nothing about, who’s secretive life barely even exists, causing most people to wonder if your baby daddy even wrote the works he signed his name to. I however know he would have appreciated me standing by his side when Maury read the test results, “William…you ARE the father!”


Pssst…You can follow me on Facebook and Twitter here!

Leave a Comment