5 Things Every Home Health Nurse Should Know and Remember

Purple nurseWhen I started caring for my little patient in her home over a year ago, I never thought I’d grow to love it so much. She’s such a special little girl and her family has become my own as well. I even have my own shelf in the refrigerator. That’s bad ass.

Over the time there have been numerous nurses in and out of her home. Some will say it’s because her mom is hard to get along with. Others will say it’s too much work. Three of us (now down to two) have stayed the course for over a year. I never knew how much work AT did in the home until NOW. Mother of fucking mercy did she bust her ass. I’ve actually thought about begging her to come back to Texas just to keep it up and put me out of my misery.

That’s not going to happen though. She’s at some revival spreading the word of God and me and JP are struggling to keep things afloat. The two new nurses in the home? Suck. Yep. I said it. They suck. You aren’t the only ones I am telling this too either. I’ve actually told one of THEM they suck which is no bueno because my job probably looks at that as workplace bullying. Eh.

So I’ve put together some tips for the other nurses in OUR home that might help them acclimate to the RIGHT way of doing things. So take fucking notes.

#1. You are in someone elses home so be respectful.

Do NOT make stupid ass faces and roll your eyes when mom shows you how to use the new Diaper Genie she bought for us to use. She bought the motherfucker because YOU don’t know how to throw shitty diapers out in the big trash can like any normal person would. Just because you like the stench of pureed carrots mixed with pedialyte and four other feedings of pediatric formula rolled up in one massive shit doesn’t mean the rest of do. Use the fucking Diaper Genie and LIKE it.

#2. Re-stock supplies for the next nurse.

Just because you were lucky enough to have wipes to clean up after aforementioned shitty diapers doesn’t mean you can just give report and go home to your clean and fresh smelling home without making sure the next nurse has wipes too. It’s not that fucking hard to refill the diaper wipes. Wait. What nurse DOESN’T like a 36 lb incontinent child grabbing shit with her hands and creating a Van Gogh masterpiece everywhere while they are fumbling for wipes that aren’t there? Oh yeah. ME! Also there is nothing more convenient than needing a breathing treatment for a child with a trach who has an airway closing up, than reaching for more meds and finding that the fucking box is empty. Love that shit. STOCK. If I wasn’t such a good nurse and didn’t care for the patient like I do, I’d leave you empty handed but I actually want her to live. Imagine that.

#3. Don’t lie and say you did something when I know you didn’t.

It’s a rule that you have to sweep and mop the patient/work area every shift. Bitch. I strategically put that red mop bucket in places to dry on the back porch after my shift EVERY night and that bucket hasn’t fucking moved. Don’t say, “Ohhhh I mop every day/night!,” to my face. I will call you out on that. Look at the bottom of my fucking socks. They are DIRTY. You know why? I spent my whole shift walking around on a dirty floor that you “mopped”. You’re a dirty lying liar who lies out of their lying liar hole.

#4. Don’t talk shit about the family.

You’ve only been here a few months, if even that. Yes mom is going to tell you what to do. Nicely at first, but if you don’t do it  and you keep fucking up and putting her child in danger then she’s not going to be so nice the next time she tells you. Did you know that the reason we even have a job is because this family you think is soooo belligerent and ugly allows us into their home? Yep. That’s right. Unfortunately they have a sick child, but because they think our company is outstanding (which you’re ruining that reputation by the way), they hired our company. In turn our company thought you were outstanding (which you’re ruining that reputation as well) so they hired you and now here you are. In this home. Stop talking shit, be respectful and do your job without lying.

And finally…#5. The patient comes first.

The only reason I don’t leave the home in a hoarder-like condition like you do is because the tiny human comes first. If I don’t do YOUR job for you then she suffers. I shouldn’t have to do your job for you. You shouldn’t have to do mine. As a matter of fact, YOU don’t have to do MINE. Am I repeating myself here? That’s a surprise. I find myself repeating all of this shit all of the time.

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