A Filing Cabinet Full Of Tolerance

filing cabinetI haven’t been able to write lately. I would like to say it’s because I’ve had writers block when in all actuality it’s because of the things I want to write about are mostly depressing lately.

So why not write about them? Part of me says that if I write about them then they might come true, or be more real than they already are, and part of me is just fkkng tired of even thinking about them.

Trust and Forgiving.

Shit.

Just typing those words makes my stomach roll. They have both played or tried to play a role in my life for so long and just recently have hit home so hard it would make anyone want to puke. Besides it brings up my least favorite saying, “Forgive and Forget.”

Who came up with that? (Usually I would Google that but I’m afraid if the person is still living I’d find them and well…)

Trust. One definition is: confident expectation of something; hope.

Forgiving. One definition is: tolerant.

At birth we are so trusting. We depend on and hope our caregivers love and care for us with the expectation  of food, clothing and shelter. We continue to be trusting into childhood. So much that we are told by adults to not talk to strangers or take candy from them. We are so trusting that we get ourselves into trouble. Like we trusted our brother or sister to not tell that we took the last cookie. Then they do. That’s when it all starts I think. Little by little we start taking that last cookie without telling anyone. We can’t even trust our siblings not to rat us out! I mean, really we still trust them and that is probably not the best analogy but it’s certainly a trust thing. They promise not to tell and we believe them and then they do and now we don’t trust them. Sad actually. In my opinion though that’s where it begins.

We stay trusting through childhood although the cookie snatching stays a secret, sometimes, then onto adulthood. Ah, yes, adults no longer can be trusted now either.

Your teachers say, “You can do it!,” “You’re so smart!” and then you fail the exam. What the hell? I thought you told me I could do it? You lied. You see there? It’s the beginning of a vicious cycle. Someone telling you something or projecting an idea and you believing it and then it doesn’t happen that way. What they didn’t say is, “You can do it, if you apply yourself and study hard. You might fail but you can try again.,” and other little anecdotes like, “IF at first you don’t succeed, try try again.”

We become tolerantNot in the dictionary meaning of  “forgiving” though. We actually become tolerant of being lied to. We expect it. At this point most of us are still trusting and we just kind of brush off the words of others and say somewhere in the back of our mind, “Yeah right. Whatever.” We go on.

Throughout these years though, even though we are tolerant of this behavior, which to many seem like meaningless lies, the filing cabinet of self-doubt is filling up. Until that one day.

For me it was when I told my ex-husband I wanted a divorce. He filed the last paper in my filing cabinet of  bullshit tolerance and I called a lawyer. Filed for divorce and five years later in another relationship now, I’m finding it hard to trust that good things deserve to come my way and I should be tolerant of all the things my ex-husband did and said to me. Just as it should be easy to trust, and it is most of the time, it should be just as easy to forgive but it’s not. Therefore any little lie told to me by anyone I trust, expect good things from, becomes a new filing cabinet of lies. Tolerance is the key to unlocking those cabinets but I can’t find it.

Because to me, the definition of forgiving, tolerance, is the wrong word. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to forgive. To forgive would be like “Oh yeah! I tolerate your bullshit. No problem. Remember the good times. They outweigh the bad. No problemo friend. I am TOLERANT.”

I’m not.

10 thoughts on “A Filing Cabinet Full Of Tolerance

  1. I think that forgiveness is more about letting go than tolerating. Not forgetting what happened, but letting go of the hold it has over your life by being able to accept what happened, and the fact it is in the past, and move on. Usually it’s the person who can’t let go that is the one suffering, and chances are, the person you can’t forgive has already long since moved on and you are suffering alone. But once you can forgive, you can move forward to better things and that person loses the grip they have on your life.

    I know that is a lot harder to “do” than talk about doing. Sending hugs to you as you work your way through it all. <3

  2. I think that forgiveness is more about letting go than tolerating. Not forgetting what happened, but letting go of the hold it has over your life by being able to accept what happened, and the fact it is in the past, and move on. Usually it’s the person who can’t let go that is the one suffering, and chances are, the person you can’t forgive has already long since moved on and you are suffering alone. But once you can forgive, you can move forward to better things and that person loses the grip they have on your life.

    I know that is a lot harder to “do” than talk about doing. Sending hugs to you as you work your way through it all. <3

  3. Perhaps not tolerance, but acceptance is in order. Acknowledge that shit happens, that even generally good people do bad things sometimes and most importantly, that you can’t undo any of it.
    Don’t tolerate bullshit and certainly don’t carry it around with you. Just leave it where you found it.

  4. Perhaps not tolerance, but acceptance is in order. Acknowledge that shit happens, that even generally good people do bad things sometimes and most importantly, that you can’t undo any of it.
    Don’t tolerate bullshit and certainly don’t carry it around with you. Just leave it where you found it.

  5. Princess unfortunately holding on hurts you not the person you cant forgive. I feel for you walking trough life with anger. It also gives the person you arent forgiving control over your life.
    When I was 20 I was raped and I chose to not let that 1/2 hr of life control the rest of my life. It made it so much easier to move forward. Sometimes though being to forgiving seems like a curse because it allows people to think their behavior is acceptable and they keep on doing it.
    I wish you peace of mind and heart

  6. Princess unfortunately holding on hurts you not the person you cant forgive. I feel for you walking trough life with anger. It also gives the person you arent forgiving control over your life.
    When I was 20 I was raped and I chose to not let that 1/2 hr of life control the rest of my life. It made it so much easier to move forward. Sometimes though being to forgiving seems like a curse because it allows people to think their behavior is acceptable and they keep on doing it.
    I wish you peace of mind and heart

  7. I have had a very different experience and perspective in life. I have been over trusting and always give people the benefit of the doubt. I am a very forgiving person and usually dont stay mad for longer then a day. In some ways this is a weakness and some ways this a strength. I have a lot of tolerance and patience even when someone doesnt deserve it. I have always had hope that although someone has dissed me there intentions werent to do so.

  8. I have had a very different experience and perspective in life. I have been over trusting and always give people the benefit of the doubt. I am a very forgiving person and usually dont stay mad for longer then a day. In some ways this is a weakness and some ways this a strength. I have a lot of tolerance and patience even when someone doesnt deserve it. I have always had hope that although someone has dissed me there intentions werent to do so.

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